face of it all

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This is me i may not be tumblr worthy but i thought well i might as well try

life story.
Well my life is far from great. So here goes what i can put into words. Warning you may not come out the same after reading my story.

So my Great Grandfather is dead now and he was the closest thing i have to a grandparent... My brother still sits in hospital with to many horizontal cuts to count and now one that is vertical from his wrist to the inside of his elbow that has left him dying and i feel some what responsible. He used to tell me i was the only thing that mattered and i was the only one keeping him alive :/ well i havent seen him for over 7 months now... its all my fault and all i want to do is see him but my mother refuses because of everything else that is happening to me and because i would probably be dead if i saw him :(

Everything I ever work to falls apart at the worst of times, i tell my parents and friends that i dont cut myself anymore but thats only on my wrist… i always thought i would be happy forever but the sadness is finally catching up on me and its making me want to quit so bad. Everything said about me these days kills me a little more inside and this fake smile isnt cutting it anymore. the end is looking bright to me, but im still here and putting up with the shit i go through everyday and even though i am no longer able to look at myself in the mirror, think i am good enough for anyone or even remotely look at a person without thinking they are going to throw up when they see me because this is the shit im fed everyday… im always told that i shouldnt express my self to much cause i am only hurting myself trust me if i expressed what i felt now about three people would have killed themselves because of me.

Boys are assholes, every single one of them and yet im still the dick head that cant control what i feel for them. They treat me like they care and then when i need the happiness they supply me with most they leave and this is what drives me to cut more and more. its stupid that i do it for them but it is the only resort i have.

My friends say they arent pretty, beautiful, amazing etc. and this really makes me want to cry that they can be told they are all the time by the people around them and dont see what i feel… they say you should feel good about yourself but having people say what they do to me… there is no turning back for me now i have crossed the line to far that i am way off the edge.

You all have friends to fall back on and I love mine to death but what i am living with is now to much for them to handle and i cant tell them anymore.

The blackness wont last forever i hope but sadness is my best friend now, pain is good, and death no longer scares me like it terrified me before. Depression has actually come and caught me its swallowing me whole and i cant escape it… I dont need anyone to worry about me though cause i am looking after myself in a way that suits me. I dont need help from anyone at all, and i think im fucked up in the head enough that i need no more shit.

Maybe if I didnt talk to anyone i wouldnt have to hear what people say about me… so then all i have left is the glistening scars from past experiences i have had and still have to this day left to remind myself that i am not perfect in anyway and im just going to have to stick to wishing i was somewhere or someone else… dreams arent even an escape for me now. its all over now…..